Death is my Heaven
by lilxyakusokuxX
Summary: Kurama is dead. Botan is miserably. And now suicide is her only answer to be reunited with her soulmate. But has he moved on or waiting for her in death? KuramaBotan pairing. WARNING: Very angst-ish!


I do not know why I don't stop myself from doing this…

All Disclaimers applied!! I DO NOT own Yu Yu Hakusho or the song "Real Emotions" (from Final Fantasy) at all!! Wish I did but…=.=

Okay, here we go!!

This is a Kurama/Botan fic!! Don't like it, please read anyways!! And as always, REVIEW!! Flames are accepted. One Shot or maybe there will be a sequel!! I'm not sure if this should be PG13 but better to be safe than sorry…a little aghast-ish also. And as always, enjoy

**__**

((Botan's POV))

…….…….…….…….…….…….

I hate myself. I hate the way I was made. I hate who I am.

__

I hate Death.

Why do I have to be death? The most hated creature in the 3 realms? Why do I have to be hated? Why?

I hate faith…I hate destiny…I-hate-death.

I hate myself. I hate you, Botan.

Kurama, please come back to me…please return…

It's not fair…life's not fair…destiny's not fair…

__

They're not fair to us…

__

What can I do for you…?   
What can I do for you?   
What can I do for you?   
What can I do for you?   
I can hear you…

"I will wait for you…for all of eternity and beyond. With me, you shall never be alone. I promise"

What are those words suppose to mean to me, Kurama-chan? That you shall be with me forever? That you shall never leave me? Hurt me? If that is what you were saying when you told me that months back…

__

…you are a lair.

I couldn't believe it; death. Death has gotten to you, faith has pulled you away from me. And me. I-am-death. I took you away from me. From your family, from our friends. Me. Kurama-chan…

__

I am so sorry.

I killed you. I-am-death. Why, oh, why did you have to get in that accident? Why did I have to take you away? Where are you now, Kurama-chan? Did you leave me yet?

Did you?

Did you moved on in a place where I no longer exist? Am I lost in your memories? Am I even in them anymore? Have you forgotten about me, Kurama-chan?

__

What can I do for you?   
What can I do for you?   
What can I do for you?

I remember the first day that you told me that you loved me. The day I became scared of you. Because of what I am. I-am-death. But you didn't care, did you? No. Because you loved me. For who I am. Me. Because I am Botan, a Reikai ferry girl, because of my own personality…but still…I was a grim reaper.

__

But you still loved me.

And I was scared of loving you back. So scared. Because I couldn't love.

I was Death.

And I was going to hurt you, be the death of you, your mother, brother, friends, loved ones…

Why didn't you seem to care that I-was-death?

A simple kiss. Death's kiss.

Why?

Our first kiss. A simple, soft kiss. Perfect. Because I knew that I love you. The way you made me feel loved, the way you made me feel safe, the way you loved me for who I am.

Kurama-chan, I-love-you.

I am happiest when I am with my Kurama. Mines. My hero, my lover, my savior. Because he's mines.

I had bind he infamous kitsune, Youko Kurama, to me.

Why did people say that we were wrong…

__

…when it felt so right?

People told me that it wasn't right. But you still refused to leave me…

…because you loved me. With all of your heart, you actually loved me. And I love you. I love you so much.

Please come back.

With you gone…

…it feels so wrong. Like a big part of me is being torn out.

The big part of you resting in my heart.

Far beyond the hazy borders of my heart   
I can see a place   
It's something like this   
Every now and then I don't know what to do   
Still I know that I can never go back

"I don't care who you are…we fit perfectly together. You and me--forever as one. And nothing can change that."

What about death, Kurama-chan? Destiny? Faith? How can we stay together when so many things are pulling us apart? Why do the world hate us so, just because we want to be together? Why? I couldn't hold on…but you did. And you gave me the strength I needed, you showed me that you were going to fight till the end for us…

__

…and I knew that I was in love with you, too.

How come I didn't realized it until now?

Because I was afraid to love you.

Now I can say it, Kurama-chan. I-love-you. Forever. But say it to who? You're gone now. Forever. I don't know when I will ever see you again, if I will ever see you again. Where are you, Kurama-chan? Have you moved on and forgot about me?

My heart hurts.

Can you feel it? I don't know…can you?

All the things I've seen   
In those hazy dreams   
Can't compare to what I'm seeing now   
Everything's so different   
That it brings me to my knees

How long has it been still you died?

2 weeks.

But it seems like 2 eternities.

I miss you. Why did you have to die? Destiny, faith…why do they hate us so? I never thought anything can happen to us…I miss you…I want you back…!

Please come back to me, Kurama-chan!

Why do you have to go?! Why?! Now faith has it's way…I shall never see you again! COME BACK!!

Death his worthless. It doesn't leave anything behind but a trail of tears. I can't go on without you, I don't want to.

_"You'll find someone else, Botan," people always say. _But what if I don't? what if you're the only one?

_"Move on, life shall go on." _But now my life is dead. I have nothing to live for now. Nothing.

Because you are gone now. That's all; I have no reason to liv now…

__

And though, I know, the world of real Emotion   
Has surrounded me   
I won't give into it   
Now, I know,   
that forward Is the only way my heart   
Can go   
I hear your voice calling out to me   
You'll never be alone

"You wanted to talk to me, Kurama-chan?" I said happily, like I'm always am, skipping into the room where he, Yusuke and the gang all were, heck even Hiei was there. And I beamed.

Not like Death at all, ne?

And you smiled. "Yes."

He walked up to me and held my hands softly, like he's always is. And I felt him gently running his finger up and down my ring finger and it send shivers down my spine for some reason. Slowly, he brought my hand up to his lips and issed the tips of my fingers softly.

I blushed. "What are you doing?"

"Nothing."

Everyone remained silent.

There was a faraway look in his emerald eyes, like he was thinking and arguing to himself. I wonder why. His gaze was focus on my hand until he finally looked up at me and smiled for reassurance. So I smiled back.

"What is it?"

He'd taken a deep breath. And entwined his fingers around mine's.

And he kissed me. Tenderly, soft, stalling. I felt him shifted somehow and pulled away from him a little bit, giving him a questioning gaze.

And he smiled.

My eyes widened when I finally noticed that the reason he shifted was because he'd gotten something out of his hair.

A single, perfect white rose.

Wait. White? I thought that his roses were always red…

His smile widened and the gang behind us all smiled as well. I frowned.

What is going on? Is there a joke I'm not getting? What are they leaving me out of? And…why?

I took the white rose and a smile snuck itself on my lips. The rose was perfect. I held it up to my nose to take in it's beautiful scent when I noticed something: a shiny diamond planted in the middle of it's petals. My breath got caught in my throat as it carefully parted the pure white petals and revealed to everyone a beautiful wedding bad with a rather large diamond in it.

I gasped.

Looking back towards him, he was now down on one knee in front of me. What? This can't be happening!

Keiko silent shirked in suspense, Yusuke, Kuwabara all grinned wildly and Hiei managed a small smirk but to others who knew him, it was a pretty big one (since he NEVER smiles).

Kurama gently took the band out of my hand and slipped in onto my ring finger. I flushed, he smiled nervously. My eyes started to well up with water. This can't be happening!

"Botan, will you marry me?"

The tears over spilled from my eyes.

"Y-yes!"

And he embraced me in a hug and spun me around.

"I will make you the happiest girl in the world," he'd whispered softly in my ear before the gang droned it out with their cheering. That day was perfect.

It was the next day he'd died in that car accident.

He died a hero, saving that kid's life.

But I still want him back.

__

What can I do for you?   
What can I do for you?   
What can I do for you?   
What can I do for you?   
I can hear you…

I want to be with you, Kurama. No matter how you may think of me now, I want to be with you. You'd promised me that you would wait for me forever. I won't make you wait, you don't deserve to.

Until the day I reach my eternal sleep, your smile will stay with me without fail. I promise you that, Kurama. I can't move on anymore, there is no one else. Not Hiei, not Koenma, not all of the boys in the 3 realms can be "the one" because I have already found him.

In you, human, demon and all.

It's now been 3 weeks. 3 weeks of nothing but mourning and despair.

I miss you so much. And I wonder everyday if you'd forget about me yet.

Wonder…I can't do that anymore. I want to be with you no matter what. I want to see you again, even if you'd forget about me. I want to…

I want to…

__

…a knife…

Slowly, a grazed it along my wrist, my pale, light wrist as I watched.

__

Blood.

My blood came out, a deep, red crimson color…like his hair.

I miss you, Kurama-chan.

I didn't feel anything. Emotional pains were more painful than physical. Slowly, slowly, a brought the blade with my arm, applying more pressure to it. I couldn't feel anything. Nothing. The blade with decorated with a shinny, red liquid, dripping down to my legs. I-don't-feel-anything.

I stopped at the juncture of the bending point of my arm. 

What have I done to myself?

I gazed at the deep fluid pouring out of my arm as hard as I could. I was getting dizzy, sleeping, unfocused.

I was dying.

Wow, my blood is pouring out fast…I-don't-feel-anything.

I'm going to die. And be with my soul mate. I don't care about the world anymore.

I want to be with you Kurama.

I could feel it; it's getting harder to breath. By now, my whole vision was burred red. Even though I knew that I'd lost a lot of blood, it was still a sight to behold.

I laid down on my bed. My bed. Breathing was starting to get easier, I can feel my life slipping away from me.

__

I don't care. I want to be with you.

I opened my eyes a little wider, trying to focus on my hand. Then, for a second it seemed my vision cleared up completely. The ring Kurama gave me…

__

…be still love me.

I just want to be with you.

My eyes are starting to get heavy. Slowly, I close them, leaning back on my pillow. It feels like I'm floating…floating on a clod…

…let it lead to you.

__

I never woke up, I guess.

__

And if I find the real without emotion   
Has surrounded me   
And I can't go on   
And you are there   
The moment that I close my eyes   
You comfort me   
We are connected for all of time   
I'll never be alone

"Botan-san, welcome to the Gate of Judgment."

Yes, this is what I want.

The God of destiny reads the document about my life as a ferry girl. I wonder what's taking so long…?I had finally reached the gate before death, the gate that is separating me and my soul mate…

__

…Please tell me that our hearts aer as one. Please let us end up in the same spirit world as one another…

__

And oh, I know, the world of real Emotion   
Has surrounded me   
I won't give into it   
Now, I know,   
that forward Is the only way my heart   
Can go   
I hear your voice calling out to me   
You'll never be alone

I managed a small smile. This is it. Taking a deep breath, I walk into the door, the bright light hitting my eyes, turning them into small, purple dots. Even though the light hurted my eyes, I continued walking when I heard the final door close.

This was the real thing, there was now no turning back.

I walk, not knowing hwere, just wakling…looking. Kurama-chan isn't here…

My heart sank.

Has he finally moved on without me? Yes, that seems rights. My heart suddenly felt heavy…and there was the Door to Heaven…

Then, a light flash of light red caught my eyes. Looking up, I see someone, leaning against the wall, head down with his hands in his pocket. His features were brightened by the never ending light, giving him an majestic glow, making him look like an angel. His skin looked pale, heightening the looks of his fragileness and his whole body seemed to be a shade lighter than usually. (Can't you just imaging it?)

I gasped. Why was someone standing here, right when they were about to go to heaven?

The figure heard me and turned his gaze up.

And he smiled, his bright green eyes twinkling with happiness. Slowly, he pushed himself off of the wall and stood in the middle of the floor, across from me.

My eyes started to water and I knew that I was blushing like mad. It felt as though my heart were skipping beats and pounding hard in my chest at the same time. I clutched a hand over my heart.

"I told you I would wait for you."

His voice…how I have missed his safe, soft, dreamy voice.

It was really him.

My whole body felt like it was flying as the tears sprang out of my eyes.

"Kurama!!"

I felt myself running to him, and he to me…

…and drowned into his loving embrace once again.

__

What can I do for you?   
What can I do for you?   
What can I do for you?   
I can hear you…   
I can hear you…   
Now.

I told you that I would wait for you forever, koishii."

"I'm so glad."

I felt him pulling away from me, but still holding me near. His smile…how I'd missed it. His lips came down on mines in a soft kiss as I closed my eyes.

This was my heaven.

"Ai shiteru, Botan."

"Ai shiteru, Kurama."

And we wlked through the doors of heaven…

…together, hand in hand.

__

…yes, this is my heaven.

…….…….…….…….…….…….

A/N: This will probably be one-shot but if I do make a sequel, I will alert all who'd review this!! Muhahahaha! :P This took a while for me to write cause if you know me, I also have three other stories to write so the more review I get, the more I'm inspirited to write!! ((Cheesy, but it's true!!)) Maybe...15/20-30 review will do it ;; I need to know if you guys like this or not.

I didn't mean for it to be so long and short but...i dunno!! ;;. Hope you all liked it anyways!!

Time to r-e-v-i-e-w kiddies. Ideas, thoughts, comments, flames, anything. ::bows:: Arigatou!! And see you later. And if you haven't, go check out my other fics! == they're aren't taht bad...;;


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